Pisces - August 2008

1st. You are the albatross of farters , awkward taking off, but man do they fly sweet. Whew!

2nd. You may be setting a record. Today is the second day of the rest of your fart.

3rd. Set a fart free , if it comes back, it is a clinger.

4th. Your egg farts are giving chickens a bad name.

5th. Your farts are like an old horror movie, very creepy.

6th. Why is it all farts aren’t created equal?

7th. When your wife asked to be let in on your secret and spill your guts, she didn’t mean for you fart non-stop till next Tuesday.

8th. Congratulations joining the Navy. Won’t the rest of the guys be pleased to hear the Grand Champion Farter from Millford High has been commissioned to their submarine.

9th. That’s not the brand of soap that floats in the tub, Your fart bubbles are holding it up.

10th. Congratulations on being the first one to blow up a beach ball with their farts.

11th. Your farts are dark and musty like they’re from some skanky dingy dark hole, and while you give them away like they are a dime a dozen, they are not bargain basement, there is an air of distinktion about them.

12th. Your ear wax buildup could be a direct result of your farting. Your ears produce extra wax to protect them from loud noises.

13th. Your planet is the same one we all live on too. Maybe you could eat one less meatball this month and do us all one little favor.

14th. Concert promotions companies, because of your incessant farting have been forced by their artists to prohibit you from buying concert tickets in the first ten rows

15th. Artists have officially added a new color to their palates. The color of your underwear.

16th. Your proctologist (oh lucky him), has really put his finger on your problem.

17th. Your idea of a door to door fart salesman will probably just blow over.

18th. Why can’t all farts get along.? Why does there have to be such diversity amongst the ranks?

19th. Today you get started on your book. How to Rear Better Farts.

20th. You must be the most together person on the planet. Your idea of visiting your Shrink is getting some hemorrhoid cream from your proctologist.

21st. No need to be nervous, seeing your boss today. Just tuck your jeans into your shoes. The only quaking in your boots will be from your usual rounds of farts.

22nd. Can’t we all just get along? Why do you always manage to raise a stink about something?

23rd. Those bubblegum farts are rearing their ugly heads again. Goodness knows what vile stink they would unleash if they popped.

24th. Congratulations, a major dictionary has chosen a picture of your butt , to demonstrate the word fart.

25th. Wow you are toxic. Even the pile driver in front of your house can’t cover up the sound of your farts’ deafening roar.

26th. Your farts could stop a train. And you wonder why they always put you in the caboose on your commute to work.

27th. Farting is right up your alley. Anyway to keep them there?

28th. You can always be counted on to never lose a fart. They’re always right under your nose.

29th. Your farts a real rip off. You’ve been inhaling the best of your co-workers worst and recycling them.

30th. You have been chosen as a fart contestant on a Japanese game show.

31st. you’ve been holding back. Your smoky cheddar cheese farts seem to be of a ripe old age. Thanks a lot.

Aries - August 2008

1st. Are you still wearing those rubber panties There seems to a ripple of excitement billowing from your butt.

2nd. Warn the neighbors to batten down the hatches and prepare for a huge storm. You’ll be eating eddies double-yoker pickled eggs all weekend.

3rd. Your farts are some what riveting, it is impossible to get out of their way.

4th. Talk about a road hog. Who taught you to drive with your butt out the window.

5th. No wonder you’re seasick. Your farts really rock the boat.

6th. Boy you really roll out the red carpet when you fart. Or are your hemorrhoids bleeding again?

7th. Your farts are down right nasty and rotten to the core.

8th. Couldn’t be satisfied with just farting at school. You had to have a rump session at home to boot.

9th. You inspired even the slowpoke runners in the Marathon to pass you and run a foul.

10th. Kind of you to pass advice onto your fellow joggers, always willing to run one of your farts by them.

11th. Ugh!!! Your bock beer farts scrape the bottom of the barrel today.

12th. If today’s farts are only scratching the surface. Who knows what would come out of you if a wolverine camped out in your hole for a week.

13th. It seems all your farts are dying to get out. They see light at the end of the tunnel.

14th. Your farts are all rank and file and rearing’ to go.

15th. Glad we could reach a compromise with your farting. No sulphur farts after sundown.

16th. Your farts may not always be welcome but they resonate well with crowds.

17th. Talk about non-stop farting. Your butt can really shoot the breeze.

18th. Boy the silence is deafening with this round of farts, smelly too.

19th. How do we feel about your flatulence? To size up your farting, would create a catastrophe.

20th. You are reaching for new heights. Not wanting to crush your dreams, but unless you become an astronaut, the sky’s the limit with your farting.

21st. Nice going with the blow torch. Your farts although not well received, really set the world on fire.

22nd. You lose, although you tried to settle the score with your neighbor, your butt just wasn’t up to stink.

23rd. Behold there is mystery in the air, can’t quite put a finger on it , but your every other fart is something else again.

24th. Things are pretty quiet in your butt today, your farts are sleeping like a log.

25th. Although most people claim to be allergic to your garlic and onion farts, they are nothing to be sneezed at.

26th. It is very eerie today. So quiet you can hear your sbd drop.

27th. Was that you farting in a TV commercial? Your butt really sold out.

28th. Your ass really knows how to whoop up a fart party. It spares nothing.

29th. The secret is outta the bag. You are a farter. You really spilled the beans.

30th. One thing about you is for sure. Your flatulence is guaranteed. You’re not the type to run off. You really stand by your farts.

31st. Don’t take it so personally . People kick you in the ass , to step on the gas and get the hell outta there.

Taurus - August 2008

1st. You really stand behind those clinging chicken finger farts, and stick to your guns,.

2nd. The sky’s the limit with your farts, they stink to high heaven.

3rd. Your idea of being stuck in traffic, is not being able to fart in a crowed elevator.

4th. Even though people take exception to your farts, it doesn’t make them exempt.

5th. You’re just that kind of guy, even with an upset stomach , you take great pains to fart for us.

6th. Your farts are overwhelming. They take your breath away.

7th. Power walking with you, people really take your farts in stride.

8th. No wonder your wife wont sleep with you. She’s not going to take your farts lying down.

9th. When that fart came out of your mouth, it was easy to take it the wrong way.

10th. That is gross, but drop the blowtorch, your ass can really talk a blue streak.

11th. Your farts are a premonition, a taste of bigger things to come.

12th. Is your ass thinking out loud again, or did you just fart?

13th. Are you farting in those raisin fields again. I heard it through the grapevine.

14th. You’re getting to close to your husband’s butt. I’d throw a little caution to the wind.

15th. By the sound of that last squeaker, I’d say you are in a tight squeeze.

16th. You are such an active farter, one doesn’t have time to catch one’s breth around you.

17th . Your butt is under a lot of pressure from your friends to stop farting, also from that greasy pizza you ate at 3am.

18th. It’s still up in the air as to whether you are the best farter at school. I’d say the proof still stands.

19th . Your habit of licking your finger after you fart to see which way the wind blows is pretty sad.

20th. Your farts come with all the fixins’, stink, noise and debris.

21st . Your farts pass with flying colors, maybe you should put some pants on and see your Doctor.

22nd. Your farts come with no strings attached. Thank goodness, the stink would be around forever if they tethered themselves to a tree.

23rd. What is the purpose of your farts? They have no rhyme or reason.

24th. Your farts wreak havoc on who ever comes within fifty feet.

25th. Your life’s too short, fart today, you can’t take them with you attitude, is up for review.

26th Looks like you are eating all your vegetables, your broccoli farts seem endless.

27th. You have been invited to the Farters Ball. I suggest you wear your blue chiffon with the pink puffy sleeves. It will look so graceful billowing under the breeze.

28th. You really made a big noise at the Fart convention.

29th. Your Proctologist will call with exciting news.

30th. They are going to make a TV sitcom out of one of your farts. Personally your wife thinks it would make a better reality show.

31st . Have you stopped to count your farts lately? You might want to slow down, your sphincter has to go the distance.

Gemini - August 2008

1st. New technology has arrived and like minuscule earthquakes your ass has been detected to let off micro farts, undetectable to human ears, to the tune of over 400 hundred a minute. However the smell does not go unnoticed. In the past people just thought you stunk all the time.

2nd. Thanks for stinkin’!!! … Words you’ll probably never hear .

3rd. Your Uncle is being released from prison today, 65 years early for farty behavior. They didn’t have a choice, the other prisoners were dying.

4th. You didn’t actually win yesterdays pie eating competition, your farts made the other competitors vomit.

5th. Farting during confession is a good way to be quickly absolved.

6th . Fartoholic in spell check suggests catholic.

7th. Your baby farts were so bad that when you were born the Doctor slapped your mother

8th. Those hissy fit farts have a tail on them. Whew momma!

9th. Getting you to stop farting is like trying to braid lives eels in a bucket

10th. Your ass is smokin’, them’s hard boiled egg farts

11th . Your farts are wetter than a dill pickle in a woman’s prison.

12th. You have a mighty high opinion of yourself. You think the sun came up just to hear your ass crow.

13th. Your sbv farts silent but violent knock your neighbor whopsided.

14th. Your farts have your classmates feeling like rubber nosed woodpeckers in a petrified forest.

15th. Your farts are stinkier than a barrel of rotting armpits.

16th. Watching you grinning after the first fart of the day is like watching a possum peekin’ over a log at a rotten persimmon.

17th. When you pass wind the smell is as strong as stud horse pee with the foam farted off.

18th. Your farts could gag a maggot off a gut wagon.

19th. Sounds like you got a busy day ahead, sippin’ ice tea and farting flies off your rose bushes.

20th . Bigger is worse. Your butt is wider than a 4 pocket back end, and your farts are off the charts.

21st . Your farts roll off you like a dancer on a greasy log.

22nd . Your farts are so bad they would make a freight train take a dirt road.

23rd . Your baby farts were so bad your mother sat you in a corner and fed you with a slingshot.

24th . The stink coming out your ass is as fast as a bullfrog with tennis shoes on.

25th. Your farts run on longer than a snakes neck.

26th. When you run madly through the classroom sowing your wild farts. Everyone hopes for a crop failure.

27th. Your momma could fart through a keyhole and rub out a barn dance.

28th. Your jumbo farts once airborne can take on hundreds of passengers.

29th. Hunkering down behind the couch and scaring people with your farts.. How’s that working for ya?

30th. Feeding the masses with your floating air biscuits is not exactly the answer to world hunger.

31st . Your ass has stopped backfiring, you’re a few farts short of a vindaloo.

Cancer - August 2008

1st. Your farts are as pretty as a bucket of assholes

2nd. Your laughing now , but your neighbors hate your farts.. They put the laughter back in manslaughter

3rd. Your fart caused the car accident. How could you have your known your driver was a one armed cabbie with crabs?

4th. You’ve done it this time. Your garbage man is at the door, complaining of fart seepage from your house has maggots puking in the neighborhood and overflowing trash bins.

5th. Your farts smell so foul you have to hang a salami around your neck to get the dog to play with you.

6th. Your farts are so pungent your cat had to lick her butt to get the taste out of her nostrils

7th. One thing about your farts, they’re very visual. Flies are on them, like a cloud of locusts from the moment you float them out.

8th. There is a cloud over your house today, cumulous fartus I believe.

9th. Is that a volcano erupting from your butt , or are you just dropping off a few farts from hell?

10th. Putting tape over your ass will not fix the crack, but it will make your farts sound funnier.

11th. Details about a top secret military gas leak out today and revolve around your butt.

12th. Your disgusting habit of pouring sand up your butt is disgusting. However the pearls that come out of your ass, add real substance to your farts.

13th. If you had a fart for every fart you drop, you would double your pleasure.

14th. If everyone farted like you, the planet would have died long ago.

15th. In everyone’s life there comes a fart that raises the bar, taking stink, volume and mass hysteria to a whole new level, for you that day has come.

16th. We know that you like to squeeze all the nutrition out of every meal, but your farts are bad enough it is not necessary to eat your own vomit.

17th. Pass gas will travel. The new slogan for your green machine that runs on your own farts.

18th. Your farts could end a war. The next round you pop off, might just be the ones that win your ass an international peace prize.

19th. Enlighten others, no farting today.

20th. Safe bet and a good choice. Your signature award winning broccoli farts are perfect for the annual family gathering.

21st. Stranded with car troubles? Lighting your farts , makes a handy glowing greeting to passing motorists.

22nd. You may think your farts are flattering, but then again compared to your breath maybe they are.

23rd. Now where did you put that duck calling device? Oddly enough your most recent farts are attracting a rare tropical duck species.

24th. Did you really want a dragon tattoo on your butt? Then again you do light all your farts.

25th. Do you have ants in your pants, or are the plastic panties making your ass itchy.

26th. Your farts are top shelf, they really rank right up there.

27th. Charity begins at home. Fart with your family first.

28th. Sewing a zipper into the ass of your trousers does not mean you are ready to fly by the seat of your pants.

29th. How do you like them apples? You are very proud of your newborns today.

30th. As a newly appointed fart monitor. You become a legend in your own lunchtime.

31st. Your re-fried dung beetle farts really put your ass on the map.

Leo - August 2008

1st. Your olive branch farts are really a winning delightful gesture, but they are more likely to start a war, than stop it.

2nd. Your farts run wild today like The Dog Farts of Summer

3rd. You can take a man to the toilet, but you can’t make him fart.

4th. People are talking, since your breast implant you’ve been farting more. Are you sure they didn’t implant dead rats behind your boobs?

5th. Ever since you put on that extra 100 pounds, your farts have been styling.

6th. Your idea to sell your farts door to door, how’s that working for you?

7th. Do you sometimes feel that the world is just one big sphincter and you are but a lowly fart?

8th. You fart softly like a hummingbird today. Unfortunately the smell that comes with them is like a sulphur miner on overtime shift

9th. Remember that old feeling you had getting out of school for the summer? Of course you don’t, with all your farting they’re still keeping you in the third grade with mandatory summer school.

10th. You have the right idea covering your butt with a manhole cover, but the fart gas is seeping out through the holes.

11th. Your life is like a bowl of farts., and you’re the onion rings.

12th. Your farts wipe out a room like taking poo poo from a baby’s diaper.

13th. Might want to put some more air in your tires. With all you car farts you are in for a bumpy ride.

14th. Might want to move closer to your job, with all your car farting , the commute might kill you.

15th. Might want to order a new toilet today. Your ass will reek havoc on your old porcelain friend.

16th. Your days of drooling in front of the adult diaper section of your favorite supermarket are about to become a reality.

17th. Warning You are liable to get your ass thrown in jail. The police are getting tired of your neighbors calling 911 every time you fart.

18th. With your steady farting you could save fuel costs on your boat motor, by dragging your butt in the lake instead.

19th. With the loss of your girlfriend, and all your incessant smelly belching lately one could only hope your recent fascination of putting your head up your ass is only a temporary replacement.

20th. How many farts does it take to change a light bulb? As many as you like. No one is going to help you

21st. Changing your underwear really does keep the stink to a minimum when you fart.

22nd. At the Doctor’s today, you might want to hold in your farts when he’s inspecting your hole.

23rd. Your natural enthusiasm to farting is a real plus when it comes to hanging on to your bachelor status

24th. Remember when you were just learning to swim. That little fart motor of yours really got you putt-putting around the tub.

25th. Today is that magic day where if you take all the farts you’ve dropped in a lifetime and laid them end to end they would circumference the globe 6 times over.

26th. Congratulations , your butt wins first prize in an ugly contest.

27th. Can’t help myself for asking, but are you shoving roadkill up your buttox?

28th. You really stand out in a crowd, even in a crowded sewer pipe

29th. Hooking your butt up to the electrical grid really brings a cost effective new meaning to fart power.

30th. Slow down you fart too fast. You’ve got to make each and every fart stink for what’s it’s worth.

31st. Even on a crowded subway you always find an empty seat. With your farting you usually find an empty car.

Virgo - August 2008

1st. It isn’t necessary to fart before you give your seat to an old lady.

2nd. If at first you don’t succeed, try farting again and again.

3rd. How many farts does it take to change a light bulb? None.

4th. Tired of your family looking green and haggard? Try farting more at the office.

5th. Have you hugged a fart today? You are one sick puppy.

6th. Farting in closets will definitely keep the moths away.

7th. One good fart deserves another.

8th. Never ever fart into a vacuum cleaner .

9th. Got rubber panties? Waste is a terrible thing to fart and visa versa.

10th. Best get to stepping’ neighbors been blowing bean gas again .

11th. Your idea of putting one fart in every driveway is getting a lot of traffic.

12th. Your idea of donating farts at church although considerate… stinks!!!

13th. You are wide eyed and bushy tailed today, mind you your farts are destroying that fresh fluffed look. Might want to trim those 12 inch butt hairs.

14th. Today is the day your farts will be judged against all others. May the best farter win.

15th. Your turbo fart adapter really give s your farts that extra boost of energy and really cool resonance.

16th. Why not invite all your farting friends over for a Stinkfest.

17th. Your air-popping attachment to your butt is amazing. But who would want to eat the popcorn.

18th. Tonight’s fart in bed will be the third worst disaster in American history.

19th. Look up rotten in the dictionary, and you will find your name.

20th. Your cookbook, Cooking with Farts is a culinary smorgasbord of gastric juices.

21st. You get a job at the circus today blowing up balloons with your fart gas.

22nd. When you were born the Doctor slapped your butt , you farted and blew up the delivery room.

23rd. Farter’s picnic today, have you eaten your garlic buds?

24th. You should be a sports trainer. Do ever notice that when your you fart people run.

25th. The government is thinking of building nuclear power plants around the country using your fart gas.

26th. Your fartmobile is the coolest hybrid on the road.

27th. With all you sbd’s, sphincter enhancement could really get your ass talking.

28th. You have a reputation. Notice how every time you run for an elevator the door closes.

29th. No point wearing makeup, your farts take the color right out of your cheeks

30th. Your butt is ambidextrous. Your idea of turning the other cheek

31st. You are popular with the ring tone set. So romantic, memorable. Why, that’s your fart they’re playing !!!

Libra - August 2008

1st. Farting into the Reverie Horn no matter how rich, loud and sweet it is , is not a great way to start Army boot camp.

2nd. On the golf course it is considered a gesture of good luck to your opponent when he tees off.

3rd. Today you will receive a visit from the Fart Collector.

4th. Have you squeezed a fart today?

5th. Get your butt to Los Angeles. Fish taco Fart Fest West gets under way . The grunion are running.

6th. Pregnant? Remember. You are farting for two.

7th. A lot can be told about you by looking into your eyes. However we learn a crap load more about you from your farts.

8th. By the wise cracks your butt is making , one would think there is intelligent life on Uranus.

9th. A fart is a terrible thing to waste.

10th. Translation experts are saying your butt speaks fluent Fartoneeze.

11th. Your butt has a rotten way of saying hello.

12th. Quick do something , your farts are getting away.

13th. You’d figure with a badunkadunk as fat as yours, we’d get your drift.

14th. Wake up and crank out a few of your favorites. You know like Fart River and the theme from Fartodous.

15th. The economy is in the toilet but at least your butt is booming.

16th. Try farting at the moon tonight, create a real photo opportunity the whole family can enjoy.

17th. This morning on the crapper, if at first you don’t succeed, fart, fart again

18th. Thought for the day. If farts had brains your ass would be a genius.

19th. Your farts today will be reminiscent of the dark ages. God help us all.

20th. Those chicken fingers can really stir up trouble up your ass.

21st. You’re the only one not grieving. The world is in mourning, something died up your butt.

22nd. You will receive a fart-o-gram today from an anonymous admirer.

23rd. Your whirl wind tour of Canada blew Calgary off the map.

24th. Your farts make history today, as a high flying tightass circus act.

25th. You get down graded to cargo class today. You have been warned about farts on a plane.

26th. The more you fart, the more you stink.

27th. Don’t bother trying to salvage your relationship with the neighbors. Last night’s display of simulating their water fountain with your grand finale fart-a-thon was not well received.

28th. Your idea of a free fart in every bag of popcorn takes off.

29th. Your butt has been summoned to appear on a Royal command performance by the Queen of England.

30th. If you can’t stand the farts, your motto is, get out of the bathroom… the kitchen, the bedrooms, the livingroom, etc, etc.

31st. Go climb a tree. Your farts are for the birds.

Scorpio - August 2008

1st. Your farts are dead meat.

2nd. Your motto…Have stink will travel

3rd. Slow down you fart too fast, you’ve got to make the stinkage last.

4th. Go green fill your tires with fart gas.

5th. Today’s outlook dark and farty. When they said the weatherman is really an asshole, they were referring to your butt.

6th. Can you count how many farts you’ve dropped since sunrise?

7th. Just 99 more farts and you will achieve your lifetime goal of , if you laid your farts end to end they circumvent the world at it’s widest point.

8th. Good thing you are circumcised, that last fart you dropped could have blown your foreskin right off.

9th. Chicago gives you the key to the Windy city for farting up a storm.

10th. Congratulations for winning the Sydney Sailboat Regatta . Your farts came in real handy during that dead calm.

11th. He who farts last has the last laugh.

12th. Your bed farts give new meaning to pig in a blanket.

13th. Try hang-gliding, your farts could really create some nice up-drafts.

14th. Your fart soup wins an award at the county fair

15th. Congratulations on going green, dragging your butt through the garden. Even though the air won’t be any cleaner than using a cultivator at least the gas will come from your ass.

16th. Your butt should get an agent doing voiceover for mattress commercials.

17th. Your butt wins a blue ribbon for fartmansship at your Wildebeest Club fraternity

18th. Who says farts don’t make the man?

19th. You have so much iron in your diet your farts are being affected by magnetic force fields

20th. Your farting is excessive today. Maybe you should power back to half volume.

21st. Thanks for thinking of us, but a fart saved is known as fartpinching and will eventually bite you in the ass.

22nd. Your book comes out today A Fartmeister’s Guide to Uranus.

23rd. Your TV concept just got green-lighted. Trailer Park Farts.

24th. At your annual physical today your doctor is up in arms over your flatulence, and running out of rubber gloves.

25th. Ever since you bought your mountain home, your lowland neighbor’s have been yelling, “there’s wind in them there hills.”

26th. Your farts have finally convinced them to do the right thing. The neighbor’s are chipping in to buy you that remote tropical island home you’ve always dreamt of. A place where they can really get away from your farts.

27th. Your fart powered locomotive wins first prize in a alternative fuel contest.

28th. Your farting scores you a job today as head carbonator at the soda plant

29th. Your new fart song on the radio is taking people’s breath away.

30th. About time you found out your hot tub was broken. I know with the way your butt regularly sounds off it was hard to tell.

31st. That cuckoo fart clock of yours is a scream.

Sagittarius - August 2008

1st. The construction boom was really just fallout from your ass.

2nd. It’s parent’s meeting teacher’s night at school. Try not to wear your underpants with the fart amplifier.

3rd. The way your farts have been blasting down your pant legs, it’s time to buy a new pair of shoes.

4th. I guess you could say something good came out of your ass. You’re farting up a storm put an end to the drought.

5th. Might want to check your undies on that last one. Groundhog may have shown it’s head. Six more weeks of farting.

6th. You’re not hiding anything. That’s not a hoop skirt you’re wearing, your belt is so tight there’s just no way your farts to escape.

7th. You may not be driving a luxury car, but one thing’s for sure, you’re riding on a cushion of air.

8th. Nature imitates life. With your excessive farting that explains why your life stinks.

9th. Time to do an image makeover, buy a dog and blame him for your farts.

10th. You can rent yourself out as a human wind tunnel.

11th. Your butt was on the news last night for farting up a storm.

12th. You have created a new virus with yours flatulence. The fart flew.

13th. Your ass is hired as a motivational speaker for constipated shutins.

14th. You’re not one to complain but coming in last in the 26 mile marathon even your farting didn’t help you bringing up the rear.

15th. You little social butterfly. Your idea of a fart in every home is really becoming a reality.

16th. No wonder you have zits. You’re not farting enough.

17th. Those new adult diapers of yours are a blessing to us all. They trap in all the goodness. Eliminating the foul stench that used to hover around you, and reward you at days end when you can treasure the days droppings in private

18th. It’s always a blast at your house. Oh when will the farting cease.

19th. your motto, you can’t keep a good fart down.

20th. Your farts really take on a life of their own.

21st. There’s no getting away from your farts. If he who smelt it, delt it were true, we’d all be guilty.

22nd. Your farts have just been added to military boot camp training, updating the tear gas drill.

23rd. It’s a crazy time we live in, your farts are making everyone insane.

24th. If laughing at your farts is funny, your ass is a real crack up.

25th. They call you the man with the magic butt. You make farts disappear and reappear.

26th. This Halloween you could go as an outhouse and give out your own treats.

27th. We could all take a lesson from you. If we farted as much as you do bugs wouldn’t dream of crawling up our butts.

28th. A major mosquito spray company is trying to secure right to your butt.

29th. If all the people in Africa had a nickel for every time you farted, you could wipe out poverty instead of villages.

30th. Today you will receive the world’s most honored recognition. The airlines are switching to your farts for fuel.

31st. Sickening, the word on everyone’s lips , if only they could speak after you sputter.

Capricorn - August 2008

1st. You are invited to Washington by your neighbors. The residents of Phoenix will do anything to get you and your farts out of town.

2nd. You are so assure of yourself, very confident about your farts.

3rd. Hooking your butt up to your backyard speakers. How’s that working for ya?

4th. That champagne accident on your sailboat, you know the one where the cork accidentally lodged up your butt, really took the wind out of your sails….. What makes you think it was an accident?

5th. Nice to get out to fart once in awhile, gives the wife a chance to relax at home and catch her breath.

6th. You know why you can’t parallel park the car. Because every time you turn your head over your shoulder, your eyes tear up with anal delight,

7th. Cookie for your thoughts, farts for your sick personality.

8th. Looks like a fun-filled weekend sitting around lighting your farts.

9th. You big stinker!!! You win first prize in a out-house tossing contest. You make the most people toss.

10th. Your Stink Across America butt gas balloon ride shows real original ingenuity.

11th. That new sphincter enhancement seems to be working for you. Your latest farts are creating a lot of flap.

12th. That butt whistle of yours is a real dandy when it comes to playing musical farts.

13th. Your chili recipe has been banned in thirty two states, Canada and Guam.

14th. So you fart in those hoop skirts. Ahhhhh now we know how you jump off balconies and survive twenty story falls.

15th. Your 20 fart finale didn’t just cause your gas to disperse it really created mass exodus.

16th. Your butt is all swollen up today. How clever of you to cork it for the big ass contest.

17th. Your bubblegum farts have a way of sticking around.

18th. Your farts are very scensitive. Whew!!!!

19th. May your farts be pure and your aim in the other direction.

20th. We used to think it was thunder, now we know it’s just you passing wind.

21st. Now we know why you go early to school. You like to prepare the classrooms for the other students. P…whew!!! Thanks a lot.

22nd. Your dung beetle and ketchup farts are a real stink for sore noses.

23rd. well you’ve learned to pee in the toilet. Perhaps you’ll learn to fart just in the bathroom.

24th. You love going out to dinner. Farting in public is where you are happiest.

25th. You little stinker. Don’t know if it’s a good thing scored tickets behind home plate. Have a feeling some of the players might get knocked out with more than just a foul ball or two.

26th. When they said head west young man, they didn’t realize obstacles like there were people like you already farting in Malibu.

27th. How ghastly is your butt, oh let me count the ways.

28th. You take everyone’s breath away.

29th . How convenient you have your own no-stop supply of cheap perfume, because the factory is just up your butt.

30th. Can’t please everybody. Well in your case with all your farting, anybody.

31st. Your farts are exceptional. Exceptionally disgusting.