What we all too often assume is, that just because someone can fart loudly, take over a room with their own special aroma, and whistle a tune with their butt, that they, have luncheon plans. Many times a person who has all these qualities, has very few friends who will ask them to lunch. This month celebrate Take a Farter to Lunch Month by taking a farter to lunch.

TROUBLED BLONDE CHEERLEADER
FEELS LEFT OUT

My name is Irma Smith of London Ontario. I have just listened to Blonde Cheerleaders Don't Fart. I was shocked and sickened ... However first let me say I a am a natural blonde cheerleader and have on many occasion had the urge to fart but could never get it out. Now I understand why. I will definitely buy a mechanical implant so I can fart just like the other girls, well sort of.

MAN BEATEN WITH UGLY STICK
FOR FARTING IN ELEVATOR

While receiving praise from visiting Japanese businessmen, Biologist Craig Hynd was viscously attacked by an angry mob of elevator patrons, for cutting cheese, somewhere between the 9th and 16th floors of the Howard Belling building in downtown St Louis.

“They heard me pass wind and it was no time ta’ll before I was struck on the back of the neck with an ugly stick and dropped to the floor. I was kicked till my butt was redder than a fox’s behind during pokeberry season, and I was blue in the face. Ya dang skippy I was mad.”

Mr. Hynd had considered suing the angered mob, but when our reporters contacted him a few days after the incident, Mr. Hynd was willing to drop all charges. I’m so buck toothed now I can eat a cob of corn through a picket fence. I guess you could call that a perk.”

You are a natural born leader, your farts follow you everywhere.

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NEW LETTER ADDED TO
ENGLISH ALPHABET

– English Professor Dr. Collins Wolfe, was pleased to unveil the new letter at a Fartoholics conference in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. “You have no idea what this means to the literary community. The letter has been there all along, scholars had decided not to use Ð (pronounced ff - ff - áærr - dd), thinking it was a mistake in translation passed on from a German scribe. It is derived from Greek or Latin, we are not sure which, more research must be done. Loosely translated it means to fart up.” Dr.Wolfe was quite candid and obviously enthralled beyond all comprehension with the reveal of his discovery. He plans to change his diet, to increase flatuation, just so he can include the new letter as often as possible in his journals.

COWBOY SORE IN THE SADDLE

After a meal of fried rattlesnake with wild Texas bird peppers and lemon pepper, rancher and part time miniature poodle breeder Blair Moody thought he was experiencing indigestion. He managed to pop off a few bland farts but to no relief. Upon close inspection from his proctologist, Dr. Michael Mitchell was surprised, when the full body of the diamondback was discovered intact coiled in his large intestine. It was determined that the famished horse smuggler, was under the influence of peyote buttons and had eaten the snake whole. Herpetologist, Dwayne Cody said “snakes nerves can continue to wriggle the flesh of the reptile for sometimes up to three days, what happened in the case of Mr. Moody, by not removing the head before ingesting the snake, the fangs were still able to strike, and indeed they did, right on his sphincter. “ Mr. Moody is recovering in a makeshift medical facility in Austin under the watchful eye of US Marshals.

MAN FARTS HYBRIDS

English rodeo clown Stuart McCalister was somewhat surprised when he emitted electrical discharge from his anal area. “I felt a fart coming on and decided to take a chance, test the waters and all. What with my on going bouts of diarrhea and junk and stuff. Lo and behold out came a flash of light and a zap reminiscent of clipping automotive battery cables to ones nipples. I guess you could call me a real renaissance man, I’m farting green. Yes indeed, a lucky day for Mr. McCalister, the local Electric company has offered to buy his surplus farts and upload them to their grid.

Loose weight in seconds. Shed those ugly excess pounds by cranking out those stale hard to get to farts. Imagine your partners’ expression when she discovers your long lost love handles, after you pop off a colonic stink storm. The secret to this new fad is to push gently on your belly button. Who knew? And you thought it was just to show off your Doctor’s handy work at tying the knot on balloon animals. Finally the real purpose is revealed.