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| THE FART DR. |
 ASK McHESS
What You Should Know About Farts ...
But Were Afraid To Ask.
Just how long does it take to produce a fart?
Answer: No one knows for sure, but theory’s suggest it has something to do with the actual length of time lapsed before the fart is released. Unless it is voluntarily pinched or squeezed off. Tests aren’t complete, but in a situation where pinching is used it still takes the same amount of time to produce a fart.
Why do some farts make some people, especially lunchroom supervisors, more nauseous?
Answer: No one knows for sure, but an international panel of Fartoligists conclude that some farts smell worse than others.
Why do substitute teachers have more of a tendency to fart than regular teachers?
Answer: Fascinating question!! The latest research has proven, that the radical free spirited “ I don’t need a steady job” lifestyle creates a nervous bowel condition that enhances fart production.
Don’t be afraid, send your questions to McHess The Fart Dr. |
| VIDEO FARTHATON |
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| PASSED GAS |
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JUNE IS:
WISH UPON A FART MONTH
It is not the way you wear your hair
The color of your skin
Or your ability to understand what gives you gas
It is solely your fart that makes you unique.
Wish you had more? Of course you do.
BELLY BUTTON PROVES KEY TO THE PERFECT FART
 “I was falling asleep at lawn bowling last week when my granddaughter surprised me by pushing on my belly button. I involuntarily unleashed a ripper that would have torn your head off. We were both shocked but my granddaughter started laughing. She reached up and pressed me again right on my balloon knot just like a doorbell and poof I farted again. All these years and I never knew what it was for. I was afraid to even touch it. Leave it to these fearless kids today to figure it out. I have farted non-stop now since Tuesday, last count 638 farts and my granddaughter and I have never been closer.” Retired Fartoholics.com reporter Tom Hitt.
FARTMAN ROCKS
MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS
Howard Stern kicks ass on You Tube Fart Channel ...
watch it now
- click here
FARTING IN CLASSROOM
POO-POOED
French teacher and game show enthusiast Blanche Delicroit of Troy Michigan’s Sauvé Hairdressing E’cole de la Elle Chapeux unloaded an unpleasant egg fart in front of her students in an attempt to demonstrate, the pitfalls of farting in front of clients. Several of the hairdresser wannabe’s passed out, while those that could, panicked and raced to the Dean’s office to have Ms Delicroit forcibly removed, and her teaching license revoked. Dean Dolores Duncan scolded the bewildered teacher with a strict warning to do her farting on her own dime.
TELEVISION EXECUTIVES RULE ON FARTING ONLY AFTER 10 PM
After 10pm and not on Sundays is the new code of decency enforced by Television executives in Canada. “We were fine with farting within the programmes, heck with all the boring shows, it gave us something to look forward to”, quipped Mapleleaf Pioneer broadcaster Pat Prendergast, “but our advertisers found it disgusting. Now we’ll have to wait till late night. Even the American broadcast feeds we receive here in Canada we’ll have to intercept and bleep the farts out.”
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Today, listen to your farts ...
they are telling you something ...
something big and wonderful is about to happen! |
| click to enlarge |
WIND RESISTANT MATCHES WON’T BLOW OUT
New! For people who like to light their own farts, and who doesn’t ?, finally a wind resistant match that will not blow out. Tested against the wind of baloney farts, baked garlic buds and the real test Cincinnati pizza, these matches stay lit. Now when nature pitches you a double you won’t miss fire. You’ll be right there to torch the second rose.
AMBULANCE DRIVER HAS LAST FART
 Flatulence aficionado and man about town Ray MacMillan of Burlington Virginia was carried by stretcher from his home at 3am with acute fartinedepeney. “His incessant farting actually blasted him off the stretcher”, ambulance driver Paul Monroe Hess remarked. “several times I had to reach down and grab him by the neck and toss him back onto it.” Finally after several attempts Mr. Macmillan was successfully strapped, still farting into the vehicle and transported to hospital. Mr. Hess was proud to add “ just as the medics were unloading him onto a gurney I cranked out something special I think old Ray might remember for sometime.
AMAZING NEW FART DIET
Lose weight in seconds. Shed those ugly excess pounds by cranking out those stale hard to get to farts. Imagine your partners’ expression when she discovers your long lost love handles, after you pop off a colonic stink storm. The secret to this new fad is to push gently on your belly button. Who knew? And you thought it was just to show off your Doctor’s handy work at tying the knot on balloon animals.. Finally the real purpose is revealed.
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| FART CD OF THE MONTH |
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DON’T FART -
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THE MUST HAVE CD FOR
FARTOHOLICS EVERYWHERE.
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Wholesale enquiries welcome - contact us
more info - click here |
| TELL-A-FRIEND! |
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| FARTS AROUND THE WORLD |
FARTING BAN IN GERMANY
Except for Porkbratten night, June 27th anyone caught passing wind in the country village of Sedgemissen will be thrown into the river. According to mayor Kurtz Schliermacher,” the village stinks now, we have geothermal activity, geysers and hot pools, the smell of sulphur is everywhere you can’t escape. Tourists always come to the hot springs here and eat sauerbraten, and sauerkraut, with their beer, making more fartz stink. It was time to put our foot down. Oh yah sure certainly of course. There are plenty of other places in this big country to drop farts I say eat here take your farts there.”
 RUMBLINGS OVER NEW ZEALAND 'FART TAX' COULD DIVIDE NORTH AND SOUTH
"Fart tax" may be levied as New Zealand struggles to reduce its greenhouse gas emissions.
Methane, accounts for about half of New Zealand's total annual greenhouse emissions. A Lincoln University professor of resource economics said the Government had to give clear signals that climate change was an important issue and that emissions behaviour had to change. Although the Government had shelved earlier proposals for fart taxes on farmers and carbon taxes on business, one or both might still be necessary. While a group of North Island government officials believe it is the dairy industry responsible, a Southern Island group believes it is the Kiwis themselves (human residents) that are farting more than ever, since false rumors had circulated on the South Island about the ban lifted on hunting of the protected endangered mutton birds, poaching has begun. Only the native Maoris have permission to hunt the near extinct birds.
"It is the mutton bird munching Kiwis that produce the most methane, ranted an Australian tourist.
Should a fart tax be levied on every New Zealand resident? That is the question on everybody’s lips today. You can hear the locals at the farmers markets from Christ Church to Auckland (especially in the burbs of Clevedon) muttering fart tax. This will no doubt cause a row between North Islanders and South Islanders, similar to the ongoing rivalry between Northern Californians and Southern Californians in the US, fortunately theirs is not a battle of flatulation, or is it as well? |
| THE SOUNDS OF FART |
 DEBUSSY INSPIRED BY LE PETOMANE
Historians now believe that Henri Debussy’s, Prelude to an Afternoon of Farting was actually inspired by well known French farter, and great ice skater Le Petomane. Resurfaced vintage photographs from a matinee performance April 19, 1894 of Le Petomane reveal without a doubt, Henri was sitting in the front row. The concert inspired Debussy a long sufferer of gastronomic indigestion to have what French Doctors today best describe as a rudimentary colonoscopy. After Henri’s bowels were inflated with the help of a bellows, he was able to release the air, with perfect control by his sphincter. After the basic exam, Henri stayed on in the examination room for what some say was a three week ordeal, creating a symphony masterpiece. Each fart was painstakingly scribed into his manuscript. His derièrre was raw from his dedication to give the world what was to be at that point in time his most incredulous accomplishment. He literally wrote each note with his own blood. Historians are now reviewing his later great works for traces of a similar creative technique. |
| SCENTS SCIENCE |
ASSQUAKE MEASURES 11.2 ON RECTAL SCALE
FART HEARD AROUND THE WORLD
The rumblings continue as over 1000 afterfarts measuring between 7.3 and 8.1 on the rectal scale have been reported in what Fartoligists at Fart Tech in Geneva claim has been the loudest fart ever recorded in fart history. Fartoholics.com’s own Grand Farter Tim Rogerson, experimenting in his kitchen with a new strain of genetically modified elephant garlic buds established this world record Saturday, seconds after the blast. “I couldn’t believe it when I got the call from Fartoligist Sammy “Sussex” Smith. I’ve been trying to shatter the old record of 9.2 since I was a little fartling, gushed the ecstatic champion in a phone interview Tuesday.
MAN DONATES RECTUM TO SCIENCE
“What the heck, I’m not going to need it where I’m going”, chuckled Robert Burns a moderate social drinker from Glascow Scotland. “ I tried donating my kidneys and liver, but they weren’t interested, they said they were too swollen. So I says to them well you can kiss my ass. I don’t think they heard me quite proper, because they asked me to come back in and fill in forms. I think they thought I said you can have my abs. I signed the papers donating my buttocks over to them. They rubber stamped them and gave me five bob. It’s a right good feelin knowin someone out there wants my ass.” |
| A LOOK BACK IN HISTORY |
 THE ANCIENT FARTONIANS
The Fartonians descended from the skies, and bred with Egyptians. Alien half breeds, they were revered throughout ancient world for their amazing sphincters. With gas 10 times more potent than any farts we have today, their humungous appetites and bloated stomachs made them the perfect choice to battle attacking forces Egyptians honored the Fartonians by naming a giant Cat monument Sphinx. |
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