Aries - February 2010

1st. Your butt brings new meaning to the Los Angeles weather condition June Gloom.

2nd. Wishing you and your family a very happy day of farting. Remember the family that farts together makes more stink.

3rd. Your boss will send you home early today. Something about farting in the lunchroom

4th. You will be promoted to Lunch Room Supervisor. With your farts you can stop those monkeys from gambling next weeks paycheck.

5th. You invent a new TV show today Fart Party. Sounds like one hoot of a Fart-N-Anny!!!

6th. Your farts fly under the radar. They are the lowest of the low.

7th. If farts can be likened to being drunk, yours talk too much.

8th. For crying out loud tell your ass to take the day off.

9th. You know what the hole in the toilet seat is for right? Ughhh! Are you sure?

10th. The universe has just figured out why you wear your pajama bottoms backwards?

11th. Ever notice , older Japanese people are nervous around you? Your farts remind them of the atomic bomb

12th. You will be eliminated from marching band tryouts. The horn section has been playing sour notes and complaining about your farts.

13th. Expect a cool north wind today, and a hot wind from Hell coming out of your pants. News at eleven.

14th. Prepare for a blast from the past today when someone finds your long lost gym bag.

15th. You are invited to play miniature golf, have a little respect for the children, don’t fart around the windmill.

16th. Your local newspaper wants to do a story on your farts. How sad is that? Oh well a slow news day is always better than the alternative.

17th. You may call them a delicious assortment of nose candy, but the universe looks at your farts as a passing fancy. Get over it, you’re 40 years old for crying out loud.

18th. What an elegant surprise you popped off before sunrise, a generous out pouring of your soul, a treasured keepsake.

19th. Your farts put the pure definition of fear into your friends eyes.

20th. Always a crowd pleaser your most popular farts, have that bursting liquid center.

21st. You indulge your friends today with one of your exotic , bite-sized decadent Portuguese sausage farts. Thanks a lot.

22nd. Whether it’s in the next room or just across the hall, your farts always come with free expedited shipping.

23rd. Your egg farts are one of the fart essentials, not intended to be enjoyed by all, but classic, and voted as one not to miss in The Fart Hunters guide to Flatulence.

24th. What hole did you crawl out of this morning, or is your sewer butt just starting the party early?

25th. Your Texas sized farts are putting a frighteningly new spin on Kansas tornadoes.

26th. Too bad all your farts don’t come with evacuation plans.

27th. Your fresh baked farts are generously filled with a sampling of all your latest ass candy ingestions.

28th. Your farts are very distinctive, and they smell bad too.

Taurus - February 2010

1st. Your butt is filled to the brim today with SBD’s, shifting to rippers by noon.

2nd. Just the thing for such a lovely couple to share on an anniversary. Your butt will be supercharged with dog farts.

3rd. Your farts go jumbo as you poof off something very special for that special someone.

4th. Your farts make any moment golden. Now, if only you could choose the moment.

5th. Something died up your ass. Your sympathy farts arrive with that oh so sincere condolences odor.

6th. Your farts are the gift that keeps on giving … giving nauseous fumes.

7th. Your farts instantly extend a heartfelt thanks to salami manufacturers everywhere.

8th. Your stinkers come dressed for success today, an extra coating of crap.

9th. The Stinkmaster has blessed you. This is a one day only. Your foulness will never be duplicated.

10th. You upload a fart that says it all, and with a finger up your butt for that extra personal touch, takes their breath away.

11th. Are you practicing a new dance move, or just getting ready to share the fruits of your labor?

12th. A glorious day of balls to the wall farting. Watch out your scrotum doesn’t get blasted off.

13th. Check your local newspaper today in the legal section. Some horrible new ordinance is about to get passed. Oh, never mind, it's your gas.

14th. Your neighbor is having beans for breakfast. If you’re going to make it through the day, you best lift that 24 hour truce with your caboose.

15th. Your fart and don’t tell attitude, has you getting away with stinking murder.

16th .You really ripped the roof off your neighbors with your tornado farts.

17th. Is your butt motioned activated or does it just naturally blast a ripper when people come near it.

18th. Might want to keep those vinyl slipcovers on the furniture. Diarrhea, seems to run in your family.

19th. Your corned beef farts complement any shit storm.

20th. Your bologna farts will create years and years of cherished memories.

21st. By law the power company must buy back the electricity generated from the windmill on your butt.

22nd. Hanging chimes from your belt, adds a nice tone to your farts, now what can you do about the smell?

23rd. Your farts are the envy of the neighborhood. Maybe it’s time to move.

24th. You make it easy to find your way home. Your heat seeking farts are a lifesaver.

25th. Your farts are a delightful addition to…. nothing really.

26th. The collagen injections in your butt give your cheeks that oh so pouty look.

27th. Squeezing your cheeks ever so slightly when you fart, add those graceful accents lacking in so many women today.

28th. Placing a reed in your butt at bedtime, lends an air of mystery and enchantment when you rip off that sweet music of the night.

Gemini - February 2010

1st. May all that lingers in your path, be your own fumes.

2nd. You haven’t slept much because you’re very busy at the office, but when you say you’re working on fumes, phew you aren’t kidding.

3rd. A family picnic, will be just the ticket to experiment with your cauliflower farts.

4th. Who makes the best pizza? Well if the fart smells at your house are any indication. Looks like Chicago deep dish is pie number one.

5th. Give the dog a day off, take credit for your own farts.

6th. That colonic worked magic on your lower intestine. You can really hit those bottom notes with your farts.

7th. Bring a touch of class to your ass. Fart through silk panties all day.

8th. You have the most pampered butt in town, maybe it’s time to ditch the diapers.

9th. Your butt is like an amusement park for fart junkies.

10th. Keep your butt out of mischief today, a day without your farts is like a gift the whole family can enjoy.

11th. Put your naked butt in the limelight, shove in a citrus wedge.

12th. Your farts are an effective warning to all to keep their distance.

13th. Add professional sounding excitement and pizzazz to your farts, with now training and no practice, eat baked garlic buds.

14th. Cut a loud fart every time with baked garlic buds

15th. Why give them away? Enjoy added privacy without sacrificing smell, by covering your butt with self clinging plastic wrap. Hands free farting without the usual sticky residue.

16th. Stick a 5 inch funnel into your butt and in addition to sound enhancement, expand your reach area by nearly five feet.

17th. Prepare for emergencies with a miniature blow torch. Great for those on the road farts when you just can’t make it home to light them up in style.

18th. Your high caliper farts are throwing your ass out of whack. you need to buy a butt brace to avoid whiplash, and get the support it deserves.

19th. Eat more broccoli. Your ass will thank you when you step into the shower

20th. Buy a fart pressure monitor. Check your fart pressure quickly and easily on the go, without those annoying and embarrassing visits to the doctor. Wait till you are at your best, and farting peak before you let off steam for just anybody.

21st. Get the instant reassurance you need each and every time you fart, by hooking up an applause sound chip to your butt.

22nd. Your farting shyness will backfire on you today and get you noticed.

23Rrd. You can’t keep a good man’s farts down. No body said anything about you.

24th. Your farts become malicious and come after you in a big way.

25th. Keep your farts fresh and your butt relatively dry from mildew, by changing your underwear every day.

26th. Increase your life expectancy five years by farting more often.

27th. You have become too sentimental, dropping a tear and blowing kisses as your disgraceful farts take flight.

28th . Your hemorrhoid blood stained blue and white underwear, has you farting in patriotic style

Cancer - February 2010

1st. Your fart locker will bust a move today, watch out for landslides.

2nd. Today is your day of reckoning. Your senses will be awakened, your eyes will tear, and your farts will soar.

3rd. What’s that stink? Did you bust a gut, or have you been eating out of the colonic dumpster?

4th. One thing is for sure, your farts in bed have killed off the dust mites.

5th. Your girlfriend dumped you because dancing with your farts is not her idea of entertaining night on the town.

6th. Try putting at least at least four seconds between each fart, then four again, clap your hands to them, and kick up your heals. People won’t mind your flatulence as much, if the girls got rhythm.

7th. It’s ironic that the very farts that give you such a bad name, win you a certain respect.

8th. While the universe would like to recognize all that you have done in the world of farts, it’s having trouble recognizing the significance.

9th. Slow down and smell the fruits of your labor….. Phew!

10th. It’s official, today you become a pathological farter.

11th. Your new motto, can’t take the smell, get outta my underpants.

12th. Man cannot live by farts alone, that’s why you belch.

13th. Two farts plus two farts equals four farts, and you thought you’d never use your arithmetic skills,

14th. Your farts make every day special

15th. Show you care, fart a lot!

16th. They don’t call you Fartalicious for nothing.

17th. The city is issuing a curfew on your farts. They must be off the streets by sundown.

18th. With your farts if butts could throw up, you’d have a permanent geyser.

19th. The Feds have issued a warrant for your butt, seems, farting is illegal in Farto Rico.

20th. Your mother said go to Art college, not Fart college.

21st. How many gerbils have died needlessly this month from your farting?

22nd. Your farts love to linger, here today, gone tomorrow.

23rd. You may want to close your windows, that party in your ass is keeping the neighbors awake.

24th. Your butt should be in a cowboy tv show. “ There just ain’t enough room in this town for 2 big farters”.

25th. Slam, bam, phew, thank you m’am. Bet a farting girl like you gets that a lot

26th. Circumcision? You’re a stickler for perfection. Guess that’s why you had a bris for your sphincter.

27th. They are naming a rose after your farts. Stinkrose.

28th. Keep a good supply of farts on hand. The next full moon might be your own.

Leo - February 2010

1st. You still got it. It would take a nuclear winter to take the wind out of your sails.

2nd . Today, your farts will go down in history as the worst disaster ever to hit the United States

3rd. The military is drafting your ass for bunker bombing duty .

4th. Your ass could turn any bathtub into a poor man’s Jacuzzi.

5th. If all farts were created equal, there wouldn’t be an outstanding warrant for your ass.

6th. Give a brother a break, take your ass to Cancun for a week.

7th. Your hearing isn’t getting better, your farts are getting louder.

8th. That’s not blood in your stool, your farts have gotten so loud, your ears are bleeding

9th. Now that your farts have gone supersonic, we can expect that, more than ever they will attack without warning.

10th. When the customs officer asks if you have anything to declare, that is not the time to fart.

11th. The airlines have all decided to make your ass fly cargo.

12th. Your kamu-kasi farts are breeding new life into crash test dummies

13th. If all your farts were great farts, then all your great farts would just be farts.

14th. Your farts blew your ass off. Don’t worry, that artificial butt replacement should last a lifetime.

15th. Maybe you should “run things up the flagpole” instead of “ blowing everything out your ass’.

16th. Did you just come back from Marti Gras, or does your ass always blow confetti?

17th. You were there in 94 at the Northridge California earthquake. They just found a fault in your butt, turns out the epicenter was in your ass.

18th. Too bad they don’t give scholarships to the best farter in school.

19th. Who says farting isn’t genetic? Your grandfather’s ass was at the Valentines Day Massacre.

20th. Might want to put some more air in your tires. The farts you’re riding on ____________.

21st. You might want to move closer to town. With your commute, prolonged exposure to your farts , could prove deadly.

22nd. Your life is like a bowl of farts, and you’re the onion.

23rd. Your farts can wipe out a room like taking candy from a baby.

24th. Turns out your farts are the missing stink between man and monkey.

25th. You are one sick bird. Teaching your parrot to imitate your farts.

26th. Your band The Buttles from Cesspool, has been indoctrinated into the farters hall of fame.

27th. You will be kicked out of ballet class today for farting during the Nut crackers suite.

28th. Just one of your pnnummi farts could irrigate an arid African desert region.

Virgo - February 2010

1st. With the sun in jeopardy and the moon in diffusion, your farts could take over the world.

2nd. The teachers were discussing your farts at recess, now why they all followed you into the men’s room is a little disconcerting.

3rd. Why will the chicken cross the road today? To get away from your farts.

4th. The city has decided not to change their street names after your farts.

5th. With your farts, a pot of beans is like a disaster waiting to happen.

6th. You receive a job offer today. They figure your farts could annihilate stink bugs from hotel mattresses.

7th. Your farts are the cause of throat cancer.

8th. The local high school wants you to help train future marathon runners. They figure your farts will give their athletes extra incentive to run like hell.

9th. God luck at the Sci-Fi Fart Convention, with your monster farts you should fit right in.

10th. A smart fool and his farts are soon parted.

11th. A fart saved is a bigger fart to come.

12th. Your farts are like a thousand foul words.

13th. A farting madman gathers no friends.

14th. Your farts are about as useful as an electric raspberry bush.

15th. At the tea party today, When you say you have an ace up your sleeve, no one will imagine it’s actually a super fart up your ass.

16th. Your farts reek of impending doom..

17th. With your diarrhea farts, putting sauerkraut on your hot dog is an accident waiting to happen.

18th. They say Actions speak louder than words. However don’t let this expression empower you to fart, whenever you disapprove of something.

19th. The expression is follow your heart, not follow your fart.

20th. Your diarrhea farts add insult to injury.

21st. Hearing your farts on the radio, brings new meaning to ghetto blaster.

22nd. Eating a spicy polish dog after a plate of beans is really adding fuel to the fire.

23rd. A person that won’t leave your side is really a fool after your fart.

24th. Your farts are like the albatross, graceful and swift in flight, awkward and noisy during takeoffs and almost crippling during landings.

25th. Ah a new day. Time to get out of bed and smell what’s alive and kicking out of your ass.

26th. Ever since you went vegetarian, your farts are all bark and no bite. This is a good thing.

27th. Your farts are all the rage…. Correction…your farts have everyone enraged.

28th. You hang with a group of farters because you don’t like to put all your eggs in one basket

Libra - February 2010

1st. As the crow flies, so fly your farts.

2nd. As the actress said to the bishop, I have a confession to make, I just farted.

3rd. Your farts have been asleep at the wheel lately. Just who is steering your ass?

4th. Can always count on you to laugh at the drop of a fart.

5th. Your farts have everyone daggers drawn and at death’s door.

6th. Whew!!! Who set your ass to full tilt boogie?

7th. Your farts are at large, and they’re big too.

8th. Your diarrhea is putting you at loose ends with your farting.

9th. Your loud farts made you a baby boomer way ahead of your time

10th. With your farts, when you say you’ll put something on the back burner, you’re not kidding around.

11th. Give someone else a chance to fart without criticizing, you a definitely a back set farter.

12th. Can always count on you for little extra something, a farter’s dozen.

13th. The ball may not be in your court, but the farts are defiantly in your ass.

14th. Get your little monkey ass home, why are you always farting up the wrong tree?

15th. Your ass is like a barrel of farts.

16th. When it comes to farts, we know you’re all ears, but don’t overlook the smell.

17th. Are you really an accountant or just a bean counter who interprets his farts.

18th. Your butt is always the bearer of bad news.

19th. Beauty is in the eye of the farter.

20th. When someone says you have bedroom eyes it doesn’t necessarily mean that your eyes are teary from farting under the covers.

21st. What’s all the excitement, calm down, you’re behaving like you have a fart in your bonnet.

22nd. Your farts are the bees knees.

23rd. When you enter a room, people always make a beeline for the door because your farts really sting.

24th. Pre-ordering a meal on an airplane, brings new meaning to the expression, farters can’t be choosers.

25th. Feel good about being home sick today. When you fart behind closed doors , you’re really saving your fellow man from disaster

26th. When you fart behind someone’s back, do you leave the scene so they can take the credit?

27th. Phew! Today Your farts are really below the belt.

28th. You really bend over backwards for people when you have a fart ready.

Scorpio - February 2010

1st. Buy a lottery ticket today, you can bet your bottom dollar with your farts you’re always a winner .

2nd. With your farts it’s no wonder they call you the big cheese.

3rd. You’re putting on weight. No need to buy a bigger toilet, you can be a big farter in a small pond.

4th. You are always putting your nose in other people’s business, when it comes to other people farts you are very nosey.

5th. If you could only play baseball like you fart, you’d be a heavy hitter.

6th. You like to recycle your stink. You have bigger farts to fry.

7th. It’s high time someone told you about the farts and the bees.

8th. A fart well placed is worth two in the bush.

9th. You have strong family bonds. Farts of a brother stink together.

10th. Sure you like to eat your bathtub fart bubbles, but today you’ve bitten off more than you can chew.

11th. Your farts give new meaning to the term bitter end.

12th. Spraying the air with air freshener after farting is not a blessing in disguise, or is it?

13th. No wonder you have a migraine. Watching you fart out your ears is mind blowing.

14th. Man do you toot your own horn, or are you really just farting up a storm?

15th. Belching into your ass is one way to make both ends meet.

16th. Your farts are hot enough to burn the balls off a brass monkey.

17th. At old people’s parties Placing a spark plug in your butt before you fart, can really bridge the gap

18th. You’re being called a bright and breezy person. A farter who gets the hell outta Dodge .

19th. Today someone calls you bright eyed and bushy tailed. They are not commenting on the flashlight in your sphincter and the hair extensions on your butt.

20th. Whew! Your pork farts really bring home the bacon.

21st. They finish demolition of your neighbors house. Your thunder farts really bring the house down.

22nd. You’re really becoming a brown noser trying to analyse your neighbors farts.

23rd. Those diarrhea farts aren’t going to win you extra brownie points at work.

24th. Your new porcelain toilet makes your ass sound like a bull in a china shop.

25th. When your boss insists you burn the midnight oil, he’s not asking you to light your farts after bed time.

26th. Today you really fart by the seat of your pants.

27th. The way your girlfriend eats beans, your butt can’t hold a candle to her farts.

28th. How many canary’s will have to die before you get a colonic.

Sagittarius - February 2010

1st. You are always chasing your own tail. In the medical world this is what is known as loving your own farts.

2nd. You have the farts today. You cheat death by sticking your head out the window during your commute.

3rd. Your butt always gives a toot to climb onto the bandwagon.

4th. Your farts are so outta control today, closing the barn doors after the horse has bolted, will still leave a path to the stable.

5th . Your idea of a glass fart menagerie will put you on cloud cuckoo land

6th. Your farts are finally receiving some recognition. Your silent but deadlies are leaving a cloud of suspicion.

7th. You’re constipated. It doesn’t mean that you couldn’t give two hoots about your job.

8th. Adding up your daily farts can’t really be interpreted as counting your blessings.

9th. A fart a day keeps your enemies away.

10th. That detox is working. Your friends love you when your butt cries wolf today.

11th. Tricky, you manage to catch a few co-workers off guard today with your curve ball farts.

12th. Putting condiments on your tofu dog, is really cutting the mustard when you fart.

13th. Not eating pickled eggs at lunch is one way of cutting your co-workers some slack when you fart.

14th. Your Dear John Farts are the reason for your constant breakups, not the solution.

15th. Your discerning eye for a good fart, is about to backfire in your face.

16th. When it comes to farts , you really dish the dirt.

17th. Giving a plate of beans to a homeless person is an unselfish way to get somebody to do your dirty work.

18th. Somehow it doesn’t seem fair when your employees ask for a raise, you fart and say don’t hold your breath.

19th. Might want to reconsider yout eating habits. People are now doing double takes after your farts.

20th. Your double whammy farts are really a double edged sword. First you cut them, then they take a swipe at your victim.

21st. Today when you fall into an outhouse, you really get down in the dumps.

22nd. Talking about your farts for hours is really dwelling in the passed.

23rd. Your farts are as easy as beans.

24th. Laughing at your own farts brings new meaning to the expression every ass likes to hear himself bray.

25th. People might die looking for a silver lining in your farts.

26th. You have farts only a mother f----er could love

27th. Farting into a mirror is not the proper way to face the music.

28th. You become very sentimental about your farts. Or are you all choked up because you can’t breathe?

Capricorn - February 2010

1st. Farting while meditating is not exactly food for thought.

2nd. Your farts are always in the news “Fools rush in where Angels fear to tread”.

3rd, Although you can’t get any lower than farting in the mail room, they said start, not fart to get your foot in the door.

4th. Farting for kicks will mess up your caucsic bone.

5th. The universe is calling foul play to your garlic farts.

6th. When your ass goes on a farting free for all at the office, you’re not exactly giving your employees perks.

7th. Your farts have that fresh from the gas oven, street vender air of mystery .

8th. Uranus is in denial of its moon. Be home before the sun goes down. You are the most likely to be bombarded with outer space farts.

9th. You just can’t put it all in words, get my drift?

10th. Did you get out of bed on the wrong side or did you just fluff up the covers one too many times ?

11th. The universe is getting wind that you are creating a big stink with your boss

12th. Your butt sure has the gift of the gab.

13th. With your farts rubbing your butt with rotting potatoes is absolutely uncalled for, and really gilding the lily

14th. Charging money for your farts is really giving people a run for their money.

15th. Passing SBD kim chi farts is really giving up the ghost.

16th. Get outta town! Don’t be surprised if people really go with the flow and leave your party … when you start farting .

17th. Your farts move like greased lightning, or thunder rather.

18th. Your grin and bear it attitude, is not very popular when served up with one of your farts.

19th. Your gunboat diplomacy to get what you want when you fart, may have worked in Canada, but Americans will really make a stink about it..

20th. Slow down today, relax, plan to share farts with others not so fortunate , remember haste makes waste.

21st. British people are always telling you to have a ripper, maybe it’s time you flared up your American ass and taught them how to interpret some down home true Yankie body language.

22nd. You always have your head in the clouds, because your butt smog follows you everywhere.

23rd. You are high on the hog today, feeling woozy from your pork rinds.

24th. Your ass is sputtering, it will be a hit and miss day

25th. You get locked in a closet and hoist with your own petard, stuck with your farts.

26th. Why are you sitting on your neighbor’s butt and pinning him to the ground. He said hold down the fort, not hold down the fart.

27th. There will be a hostile takeover today when your butt pops off a doozy in the elevator

28th. Lighting your farts will make them as hot as blue blazes.

Pisces - February 2010

1st. Your last fart really let the genie out of the bottle. Our one wish is that it goes back inside.

2nd. Slow down your farts are like rats vacating a deserting a sinking ship

3rd. Your farts are like giving a donkey strawberries Most people don’t understand your farting enthusiasm, and your disappointed reaction when they are not appreciated.

4th. Your farts are like clockwork, a laugh a minute.

5th. The planet has had just about enough lip service from your butt.

6th. Your ass is the butt of all evil, and everybody’s jokes.

7th. Wish you would lock the stable door after the horse has bolted. Your farts are indeed foul today.

8th. Your ass is really a loose cannon.

9th. The lines of communication are down today, your butt is frozen in pause, don’t even try to re-boot, you’re constipated.

10th. Your farts really lower the bar on acceptable socializing.

11th. Butt enhancement surgery not necessary. Boy for a guy with a flat ass, your farts erupt with such velocity and magnitude they, really make a mountain out of a mole hill.

12th. Why is it your farts have to make a song and dance about everything. I’m starting to recognize the tune, but do you have to dance so close? Phew!!

13th. There’s something unique about you, you march to the beat of your own bum.

14th. Remember when you would meet someone half way? Now, your farts are real go-getters.

15th. Your farts die a slow death today as they return to the nest and meet their maker.

16th. You have more than one string to your bow, you can belch as well as you can fart.

17th. Your farts need no introduction, your ass gas is tres recognizable.

18th. There’s a new sheriff in town, your butt.

19th. You must realize the seriousness of your flatulence problem. It is no laughing matter.

20th. Hey, drop the snobbery, sure you deserve to strut around with your nose in the air, hell your farts put the ass in class.

21st. Lentil bean salad for lunch, not on my watch you don’t.

22nd. Your farts are nothing to be sneezed at, well at least no one is allergic to them.

23rd. Feelin’ pretty smug aren’t you, another notch on your belt after farting up a storm last night at the planetarium.

24th. Your ass has a front row seat right in the ninth circle of hell.

25th. You’re a pushover, handing your farts out on a silver platter. Make em’ work for em’.

26th. One good fart deserves another, now why would you think that?

27th. One man’s fart is another man’s treasure. Time to move to a better neighborhood.

28th. Your ass sounds like a one man band! Cork it.