Taurus - July 2009

1st. Your common sense tells you to eat fish if you want to fart like a fisherman. Eat beef if you want to fart like a cowboy, and eat yogurt if you want to fart like a Dweeb.

2nd. Your down to earth personality, has you farting the big dirty.

3rd. You enjoy tranquility, that explains why you are known and revered for your silent but deadly farts.

4th. To get out of your rut you must change your diet. Sure you find comfort in your silent but deadly wall of stink, but it’s time you sounded off. If you want to be heard, make some noise.

5th. You are patient, you wait all day for just the right fart, while others are content to pop off the first fart that comes along.

6th. You are reliable and can always be counted on to add your “special something” to every social event.

7th. Your shyness can often be confused as nerdy ness. Fart when you are spoken to.

8th. You have been called flirtatious, others have called it fartatious.

9th. You are driven to succeed, that explains why you were voted Top Farter in your class.

10th. You have very strong opinions and farts. Take the day to relax and diffuse the bomb that’s welling inside.

11th. Your dedication and loyalty to defend what you think is right fair and just, is often misinterpreted as anger. Maybe you should fart more often, let off a little steam. You’ll be surprised at how others will stop calling you Volcano Butt.

12th. Mud slides, hurricanes, tornadoes, volcanoes and earthquakes have nothing but respect for that piece of firecracker ass you’re dragging around.

13th. Farts come slow, farts come quick. Today everyone will get sick. Stay at home.

14th. Today you may want to separate your genitals from your butt. The fart over spray will permanently lacquer your privates.

15th. Make friends with your cat. Stop using its litter box.

16th. Cancel your subscription of mail order farts. Your ol’ butt is about to blow.

17th. Hang your butt out the school bus window and fart if you love bingo.

18th. Try filling your wet suit with bananas. It won’t keep you any warmer when surfing, but the monkeys will distract the sharks.

19th. A good colonic is worth a thousand farts.

20th. Bean flavored popsicles do not make frosty farts.

21st. When the astronauts stuck the American flag into the moon, they cut the cheese.

22nd. What goes up, must come down. If farts rise up, what happens next?

23rd. Could flat ass people wear sealed panties and inflate their buttocks with farts?

24th. When the police car pulls you over today, roll your window down and let them sniff what you’ve been working with.

25th. After your pork and beans lunch, take requests, you could be farting their song.

26th. Two skanky butt cheeks does not necessarily one asshole make.

27th. Expect a visit from gypsies. Your Hungarian goulash farts have made you famous.

28th. He said put a lime in the coconut, not a dime in your butt.

29th. If you play the violin you should resin your bow, not your butt… unless you’re going to play with the hairs on your ass.

30th. Your parents are coming to visit, might be a good time to time to release all those hot air balloons in your living room you’ve been filling with butt gas. Face it, even if you got enough to lift you off the ground, you would freeze your ass off flying them to Europe.

31st. You are a master of your craps. Now is the time to shine your toilet bowls

Gemini - July 2009

1st. Today your social calendar is bursting, much like the stream of bubbles you can expect to come out your ass.

2nd. Your cheery nature has you singing a very sweet tune, Beans and Onions.

3rd. Today your adventurous nature finds you rummaging at the back of the cupboards for that special spice that will turn that bland meatloaf into a real beast of burden. Get ready to fart.

4th. You are so fun loving you think nothing of sharing your farts in the elevator.

5th. Gift of the gab, gift of the farts, with you it’s all or nothing.

6th. It is your chance to be witty. Your boss is coming over for dinner. Should you make those spicy garlic beans, or stay with the mushroom soup on white bread?

7th. Your happy-go-lucky nature is sometimes a facade to compensate for your insecurity. Excuse me? No one farts better or more often than you do, and you can take that to the bank!

8th. Today is a fast food fantasy day, you can have whatever you want free. Just go to any drive thru, fart into the microphone and stand back.

9th. As farts go, it is better to give than receive.

10th. Internet farts have zero stink.

11th. A real lady never brags about her farts, she let’s her stink do the talking.

12th. Farting into a bowl of ketchup makes a bloody mess.

13th. Time to visit a planetarium, your farts would make world’s collide.

14th. Enlist today, we could use someone with your farts to protect our borders.

15th. Farting in bed is like pooping on a table. Don’t shit where you eat.

16th. Your dreams are filled with magic, you, trying to make your farts disappear.

17th. Your boss suspects you may be moonlighting. Really? You’re just shining a light up your butt.

18th. The weather is changing. May the warm breezes of spring, tickle your sphincter.

19th. You’ve been good so far this year. I know that because no one farts better than you.

20th. The next time you’re having sex, try not to fart, it can smell bad and upset your partner.

21st. Sure cowboy farts can be synchronized with dance steps, but nothing covers up a bean fart. Stop the rumors. The Texas two step was invented to show how beautiful a chorus line of Texas tits can be.

22nd. Good things will begin to happen to you. You will win a stapler to staple up your roommates butt.

23rd. We know you’re thinking of a boob job, to entice victims to get closer before you pop one off, but asking the bouncer at your Laundromat where he had his done might be a mistake.

24th. If you’ve just discovered you have British ancestors, if might shed light, and peace of mind why you are so flatulent.

25h. It is time to rediscover the chocolate fruit. Cacao pod segments are sweet and delicious, a wonderful contrast to your farts.

26th. If you are of French heritage, light your farts, and toot tunes with your butt, you may be related to this guy. The French called him Le Petomane and celebrated his flatulence ballads with many a glass of wine. In America we have light beers, a good laugh and just call him a guy who could set his ass on fire, but never made the Billboard Charts.

27th. When the north winter winds blow, do you ask yourself if you’d rather be back in Maine eating and farting east coast lobster, or lost in sunny Monterey up to your spiny ass in Pacific crustaceans.

28th. Life is just a bowel of farts, you just never know what kind will drift your way.

29th. Today you will buy a fart CD. Blonde Cheerleaders Don’t Fart.

30th. Question authority, never question a fart.

31st. The family that farts together, stinks together.

Cancer - July 2009

1st. When was the last time you slept through a good fart?

2nd. Size does matter, but stink is more important.

3rd. The Earth’s moon is in the seventh sun, please no farting. If you were to aim your split hairy cheeks skyward no telling what kind of rude feud might erupt.

4th. Try to behave today. It’s fart History month. In a tribute to your ancestors, maybe you could silence yours so we could reflect on the farts of yesteryear.

5th. Today you could and should run your car on your farts.

6th. If you name your farts they will be easier to refer to, and differentiate from later, at tonight’s dinner discussion. Fart ! Behold a great stink cometh forth, and it shall be called Wanda.

7th. It is career make or break day. Leave your farts at home, or not.

8th. Your reputation is at stake. Take a can of beans to lunch.

9th. Imagine a world without farts? Lets not. Well maybe not yours.

10th. Quiet are the hills all around you. It is dawn, the day is just starting. Time to put your ass in gear and wake up this valley.

11th. Your moody nature is reflected in your farts. Uugh!!!!!

12th. You stay at home because you value your farts so much you want them all to yourself. The universe and your office workers respect that.

13th. There is a sense of mystery about you. People never know when you’re going to fart next.

14th. You have charisma, the kind that appeals to the world’s great farters.

15th. You are understanding in nature, that explains why you often try to share your farts with those that have none of their own.

16th. You are ruled not only by our lunar moon, but your own. Your decisions are all too often based on whether you can fart.

17th. Your family loves you, because your farts help keeping the house warm, lowering the heating bills, and freeing up money to buy new video games.

18th. You come from a long line of tradition, however your clever overuse of a timesaving microwave oven, instead of the old conventional stove, to ensure that most of your farts come faster, has the ghosts of your ancestors farting their approval.

19th. Today you can finally stop crying, those tears of joy. You have finished the onion casserole. Your farts will begin a new, rather peculiar yet exciting phase.

20th. Wonder where all your friends are? Stop farting and find out.

21st. Your farts could qualify you for a scratch and sniff job with nuclear waste awareness brochures.

22nd. Are you a man or a mouse? Put down that cheese and let’s hear what you’re working with.

23rd .This month surprise your friends, put a cork up your ass.

24th. Just be glad you’re not a woman. With your farts, closest thing you’d get to the big stick would be a cob of corn.

25th. Is that a fart in your ass or did you swallow a foghorn?

26th. Somebody call the police, things are about to get real stinky up in here.

27th. Your farts are like a piece of candy, a rotten candy apple.

28th. Just think you could have become a hair dresser, with all your experience plucking hairs out of your ass.

29th. You have just been voted monster of the month. Let’s face it, your farts are just not human… Look on the bright side, at least you won something.

30th. You’re a gambler even with diarrhea, you keep cranking out farts right up till it all turns to shit.

31st. The family that farts together, would really love Canadian food.

Leo - July 2009

1st. You become the most popular person in school today. Your fart in history class will be heard around the schoolyard.

2nd. No one is more hard working than you, but someone who is filled with as much gas as you are can afford to relax a bit more, let other’s make the first fart.

3rd. Today you will crave more attention than you thought possible. And it’s all because your constipated butt is taking a day off.

4th. If you’ve ever thought of converting from Jewish to Catholic this might be the day to take the plunge, your fridge is empty, your Rabbi has gone to Tobago for a holiday and fish farts are nice this time of year.

5th. Always the clown, the showoff, that was you who put the fart powder in the pudding last night right? Well today the whole family will retaliate with some pretty foul banana cream puffs.

6th. People read you wrongly. They think you are cool and mellow, and they’re right, but you seldom get praised for your fiery temper that blends so well with your farts.

7th. You are like a lion, full of pride, and what astoundingly seem to resemble zebra farts. Time to stop buying out of the trunk meat from that part time zookeeper-pizza delivery friend of yours.

8th. Your roar can be heard through the night like clockwork, those garlic smoothies at midnight are waking up the neighbors.

9th. Try not to drool after every fart. However soothing and reminiscent of your days in diapers, you are beyond that now.

10th. Start wearing a nametag, so people can refer to you by name when you fart.

11th. At dinner parties perhaps you should stop striping down to your bare cheeks when you fart. History has shown it can make guests nervous and may result in convulsions.

12th. In the subway, stop laughing at the patrons unless they’ve spilt coffee or maraschino cherry juice on their lap. And put on some brown socks. This may not make sense to you now. But knowing how that lentil soup you had for breakfast might just might start firing brownie clusters out your backside, it will in due time.

13th. Drop the pig head thing today. With the way you’ve been misbehaving, it is a miracle that no one has ever gotten you confused with dog do-do.

14th. This is your kind of weather, smoggy, although your fellow car-poolers are getting tired of you trying to hide your farts as a dirty catalytic converter.

15th. If you stop farting during sex, you may get to experience orgasm.

16th. With farts like yours you may want to consider opening a chain of gag candy shops, and start selling rotten egg gum.

17th. Behold today you will give birth to the loudest smelliest fart this generation will ever experience, and you will be there to burst its bubble.

18th. Today your farts are so foul, even The Toilet Monster will be afraid to come chew on your ass.

19th. Hurricane force winds will not stop the smell of today’s farts from penetrating the lives of everyone you pass gas at on the street.

20th. Plant a tree today for every fart you drop, the oxygen they will contribute, won’t make a dent in the air you deplete, but the neighbors will think, at least you’re trying.

21st. Might be a good day to look up your genealogical family tree. It’s more personal, when you blame the family genetics for your rotten farts, and address the ancestral bastard by name.

22nd. Time to buy a dog. When it comes to your farts you won’t be fooling anyone when you blame them on your pet, but it could get another dog out of the pound.

23rd. Today will be filled with laughter. Thirty one years old and still laughing at your own farts. Oh whenever will you grow up?

24th. Today consider an old Chinese proverb. He who farts and is gone is a wise man.

25th. Today in the elevator when someone asks you if you farted. Nod, and say, what do you think I smell like this all the time?

26th. May the Cool north wind be at in your face, and your farts in someone else’s.

27th. Lovely day to change your underwear, or in your case to burn it.

28th. If you take a blowtorch to your farts today, keep your underwear on and wear a check valve. Go into any hardware store tell them you are going to light your farts and need a check valve. They will totally get it.

29th. Might be a good day to get an aloe plant and heal those burns on your butt from yesterday’s blowtorch fart lighting ceremony.

30th. Stop being a Wiffledorf be content to just watch the tub fart bubbles rise to the surface and burst. There is no need to scarf them up in your mouth.

31st. They really roll out the red carpet for you, guess they want the spray from your bleeding hemorrhoid farts to blend in.

Virgo - July 2009

1st. The perfectionist in you comes out today. The Grand Poo Ba, the world’s rankest fart.

2nd. Your attention to detail with your farts leaves little left to be desired, let alone anyone else in the room.

3rd. Your practical side emerges, by jarring up some big rippers to unveil during your upcoming colonoscopy fast.

4th. Maturity is your greatest asset, well maybe your second, your ass is number one.

5th. You are a great friend to everyone, you even share farts with complete strangers. The planet embraces your soul, not your butt, that doesn’t need anymore squeezing.

6th. You are a great listener, but all too often only to your own farts. Today give others a chance to be heard.

7th. Your ambitious nature puts you at the top of your game you big stinker.

8th. Always dependable, the Lady’s Club can always count on you to make a big stink.

9th. Good thing you don’t need anybody to help you succeed on this planet, your farts slay anybody who comes near.

10th. Mush avocado all over your face today, it won’t do much to cover up the smell of your farts, but people will let you off easy, thinking you’re a Swamp Creature.

11th. When your cable goes out again today, connect a thin copper wire from your braces to the old rabbit ears. Then apply a thin coat of honey to the wire to attract lightning bugs. Turn out the lights, and let your farts rip. It won’t help your reception much beyond local channels, but it will be entertaining scaring the fire flies into a dance with each one of your plaster blasters.

12th. Today assemble some tropical fruit on your head, and forget about it for a week. And while you will find a shit load of flies buzzing in your hair, it will give you a little saving grace at the dinner table at least, and distract them away from your butt.

13th. It’s fondue day. Your day to dip whatever your heart desires into a bubbling pot of orange goo, and your night to pop off some of the cheesiest farts mankind will ever know.

14th. Today your butt will be pinched by an entire visiting soccer team. Might want to defend yourself by eating a can of beans for breakfast.

15th. Today while reminiscing with your old collection of orange and black pantyhose puppet creations, you sniff out a few vintage farts trapped in the polyester fabric.

16th. Your uncanny stomach gyrations give way to a whole other universe of fart sounds.

17th. Those baked breakfast garlic buds will put that old swagger back in your walk today as you pop em’ off fart after fart after fart.

18th. You learnt early when you dad owns an onion farm, you don’t learn to impress a guy with apple pies. Your onion farts are legendary.

19th. Today you will experience an epiphany when you finally find your shoes that were stuffed with over ripe bananas and government cheese. Although they will smell foul, they are no match for your butt.

20th. Today start putting hot sauce in your orange juice. When you fart, smoke will vent from your ears and complete the performance, with visual stimulation for your fellow office workers.

21st. Eat your instant porridge, your butt will toot off a thrill a minute.

22nd. Stuffing your bra with onions, although a good look will not be enough to distract, your teary eyed office workers away from the odorosity of your butt.

23rd. Ever since you recovered from the coconuts falling on your head incident, your slightly obnoxious, but decidedly cute, untimely habit of clasping your hands over your head and wiggling your fingers every time you fart has been bothering your fellow co-workers. Robert on the other hand who has even bigger issues of his own is confused over how his body reacts around you, and appreciates the warning before you sound off.

24th. Don’t fart in the direction of any llamas today, the animals tend to get nervous and spit in your eye, or recite Shakespeare.

25th. Tonight at your roller skating party with the school gardening club, word of warning, the water boy, is on to you and your farts.

26th. While everyone appears to be amused in your knitting group that you have taken a needle and thread to tie string beans together, they still feel more comfortable sitting as far away as possible from you because of your incessant “bottom droppings”.

27th. Emotionally you never actually left high school, using the excuse “I have to clean out my locker” every time you fart is getting rather stale.

28th. Time to invite the new neighbors from Chicago over to show them how you cut the cheese southern style.

29th. Your ass will never be the same. It’s amazing what a trip to Mexico can do for a girl. You’re a hairdressing chef! Making a difference! Thinking back to all those winter nights in front of your waffle iron coming up with new hairdos, and the occasional dessert, you can now laugh at all the postal workers, lawyers and balloon artists who encouraged you to stick to muffler repair.

30th. It’s squash appreciation day and you have been hired by your local grocery store to hand out a free squash to every 500th customer. Congratulations, and good of you to show up for work, too bad for you, your new co-workers and customers, you have diarrhea.

31st. Slowly, slowly catchy monkey. Eventually you will be King of the Farters.

Libra - July 2009

1st. “Charming”, couldn’t describe you better. Most people after they hear you fart in a room are often heard to use that word, often with a slight disgust in their tone.

2nd. At times you are so thoughtful, even if others aren’t thankful, it brings new meaning to lending an air of distinction. Pee You!

3rd. You often hang out with your twin because your kind of farts combines nicely in pairs, like Velociraptors.

4th. Your optimism shines today. If it takes all night you will wait up to see what the indigestion fairy has brought you, and harvest your dinner farts.

5th. Always the diplomat, quick to recognize someone has a lack of farts, you are first to rise and offer them one of yours, and let them take credit for it.

6th. You have been accused of having a split personality, but on a more serious note your split ass is more of an issue. Plug the hole. Your farts have more personality than a room full of abscessed wisdom teeth.

7th. Harmony is your spiritual word. Harmony is also the word that best describes the uncanny ability you and your twin sister have to synchronize farts.

8th. You like people to agree with you, especially when you are tooting your own horn about having the best farts in the trailer park. Trust me you don’t need to toot your own horn, about tooting your own horn. Whew!

9th. If you are trying to lose your lover, try using a full garlic bud when you bake him a cat food meatloaf. Then you will have good reason to dump his ass when he farts in bed.

10th. While putting iceberg chips in your drink is festive and fun to watch as the chunks zip around like pieces of sodium. They are no match for the hours of fun your prison mates will have taking bets over which fart of yours will be the stinkiest.

11th. You’re a girl who knows shoes, can glue a broken fingernail and point to a good looking cake, but did you also know that, the Army tank that follows you everywhere is secretly sucking up and bottling your farts.

12th. Today during your daily anger management ritual of farting and tearing up 40 phone books, don’t try to use the pages for toilet paper.

13th. Fact, giraffes have long necks to connect their heads to their bodies. What purpose is their in you having the foulest farts in the village?

14th. Your butt, and everyone around you went through hell yesterday. Please, for the sake of the children, take the day off.

15th. A mysterious French man will bring you a bottle of toilet water, try hard, not to take a poop in it.

16th. The launcher is broken today and your butt, armed with a clay pigeon, will be used to launch skeet. Instead of yelling “Pull” they will yell “Fart”.

17th. Lately you have been shackled with the term promiscuous, if you had a boyfriend or girlfriend this could be a problem, but in your case you seem to have moved on from the usual targets and are farting blindly on total strangers.

18th. Watch for low flying birds today. The word is out amongst our feathered friends that there is an intense fish fart smell coming off your butt.

19th. No Jacuzzi farts today, the bubbles will dissolve your girlfriend’s new organic nail polish.

20th. You can call today’s fresh batch of farts experimental, and probably get away with them in science class, but for the love of Pete, keep your ass out of the home economics kitchen.

21st. That mail order welding class kit you ordered will arrive today. In case they forget to warn you, don’t fart around open flame.

22nd. This is your last chance this month to pick up your dry cleaning. Embarrassment is natural, but if it’s any consolation, they were able to get the fart stains out.

23rd. It’s obvious you’re a fartoholic. You are not fooling anyone. You can see it in your walk, the way you swagger your butt when you rip one off.

24th. You might accidentally rip one off when your Proctologist gives you the index finger, making him give you the vibration butt buzzer. Relax he’s not flipping you the rubber glove bird, merely giving you a digital rectal exam.

25th. Remember when you boasted your farts could take down The Berlin Wall. It’s your chance to put your butt where your mouth was. Today you will be contacted to bring your ass down to the town bridge for demolition duty.

26th. Last night’s imitation spoiled crab meat is churning up genuine unspoiled soy farts.

27th. You know what’s the nicest thing about your move to Florida? Warm weather means open season to express yourself, and be recognized for it. Strangers are quicker to respond to your farts when they’re no longer trapped under a heavy winter coat.

28th. They say it’s better in the islands. They keep telling you to take a trip to the Florida Keys. I don’t know with farts like your how much better can it get huh?

29th. Don’t change a thing. You are perfect in every way, although stink isn’t everything.

30th. Does it seem that that your friends are disappearing from your life? I guess! Your farts really blow people away.

31st. Mystery solved, the skeleton in your closet , is from a wolverine that crawled up your butt and died.

Scorpio - July 2009

1st. Eagles cover their asses with feathers, snakes with their tails. You on the other hand in all your bare bottom broccoli farts glory, might want to put some pants on.

2nd. Today you will be very loving, and why wouldn’t you be, you’ll be loving your own farts after last night’s cabbage bean possum pie.

3rd. No one is more loyal than you. Loyal to the cause, your farts are ready at the drop of a dime.

4th. How can you appear so calm, reading your book, when you know at any minute that ass of yours is going to dredge up from the bowels of Hell a fart so foul, most of the people won’t make it out of the library alive?

5th. Crying over your farts makes you a very “scentsitive” person.

6th. If you start showing your weaknesses, your personality might get a chance to bloom, probably not to the level that your farts have, but you need to start somewhere.

7th. Stop this whole fear of rejection thing. What you are experiencing, is people reacting to your farts.

8th. Stop taking all the credit for those deep dish farts. Come on now, you haven’t been betrayed, it’s a free country, your neighbors have just started eating the same pizza as you.

9th. You have always saved your best farts until you really know someone. How’s that working for you?

10th. When people say to you “Get outta town” they are not saying “Really?” With your farts, they are saying “get out of town.” for real.

11th. Take a duck to lunch, least you can do, after having some naked bird stay up all night tickling your ass with a feather.

12th. Friends always enjoy your pool parties, especially when your butt turns the entire pool into one big bubbling steaming Jacuzzi.

13th. Spring is definitely in the air, the dog turds are thawing out, under the snow, or is that you squeezing off a few rounds of butt poison?

14th. They say your farts are always greener on the other side of the fence. Some blame it on the west wind, but the Universe knows it’s your way of venting, you are not into your neighbors disco.

15th. Is your dog in heat, or have you trained your butt to fart Blue thunder?

16th. You should register your ass as a fully automatic deadly weapon.

17th. Sure you’re the boss, and some kiss your ass, most of the world would like to kiss your ass goodbye.

18th. Stereo was created to enhance and double your listening pleasure. However quintuplet’s farting is definitely where it’s at when it comes to the full flatulant 5.1. fart surround sound experience.

19th. Remember your ass swaying like the palm trees when you fart, is not most people’s idea of a holiday.

20th. Congratulations thanks to your mothers navy kidney pinto and lentil soup, the Government hereby drafts your ass as an Undercover Operative Farter to coax terrorists to spill the beans.

21st. Think you’re special just cause you own a Clydesdale. Get down off your high horse, wake up and smell your neighbors fart.

22nd. The Universe is getting tired of your ways. You are constantly comparing your farts to others, time to realize one man’s farts do not another man’s farts make one man’s farts another man’s.

23rd. When will it be safe for our children to play in the streets? When your ass is wrapped in plastic and zipped shut.

24th. You are in harmony with nature. Whoops!!!!! Sorry wrong person. With your farting the only way you will find your spiritual connection on this planet will be to take a corn cob and shove it up the dark side of your moon.

25th. Consider developing your feminine side, may as well with your farting flaws your masculine side really sucks.

26th. Today you will reek what you sew. Last night’s tainted oysters will ooze new meaning into the term Stink fest.

27th. The universe smiles upon the child in you. Wait a minute, are you pregnant or just bloated from baloney steak?

28th. You will experience a big surprise, the Universe is taking a day off from your ass.

29th. It’s no mystery, the clouds that surround you are the stink from your ass.

30th. There is a new world coming, it’s called a butt plug for your ass.

31st . No one appreciates them like you do. You always try to share the wealth, but your farts are like throwing pearls to pigs.

Sagittarius - July 2009

1st. Your positive outlook on life, rewards you with a never ending supply of toxic farts.

2nd. You always go that extra mile. There isn’t a phone booth you pass, that you can’t resist dropping your drawers in, and coughing up some kind of butt musk.

3rd. You are a number one student … at farting! No one ever has to ask you to fart in class, you just do.

4th. Your world travels have awarded you much pleasure, primarily the ability to fart in many countries.

5th. Your mind is like an open concept, your body is like an open book, and your butt is like an open sewage pipe.

6th. You are invincible, insatiable, and infatiqueable, no matter how many times you have been asked to fart elsewhere, you hold your ground, and continue to dazzle.

7th. If your town were looking for a new Sheriff, you would get the job. Why? Because your farts command that certain respect usually reserved only for people who take the law into their own hands.

8th. You have excellent foresight, you always seem to know when you are going to fart, seconds before anyone else does.

9th. Today you will organize your underwear drawer, but as you only have one pair, and are wearing them, you will have lots of time to surprise friends with some of your newest farts, you little stinker.

10th. Your idea of getting together with friends and having a circle fart is pretty sick.

11th. The world would be a better place if you could teach your ass to take a week off.

12th. You are what you fart!

13th. Can’t make it to school today? How about studying at home? Try to figure out why your farts make everyone around you sick.

14th. It’s garbage day, be careful they’re apt to drag your ass off.

15th. We’re all in this together, now if someone would just tell your ass, maybe we could catch a breather.

16th. Why spend $500.00 on concert tickets? You’re sitting on the hottest swamp blues stink fest ticket this country has ever smelt. With your ass you could host your own wing-ding, and your farts are free.

17th. It is better to give than receive, especially when we are talking your farts.

18th. One third of the smog over this country is farts. Imagine if we all just stuck a cork in our asses for one day a month, we would have a cork shortage. However Wine merchants might feel guilty selling us twist off capped wine at high prices. Let’s review, fart less equals cheaper prices on wine. Decent tradeoff? Think about it.

19th. Before you go insane, maybe you should take you head out of your ass and suck in some clean air.

20th. Your job is getting you down. Time to start that mail order fart business.

21st. Divorce is unnecessary and costly. Polish what you got. Have you looked up the price of a good fart lately, I mean a good lawyer.

22nd. Everybody loves a good joke, your farts on the other hand …

23rd. It’s back to diapers for the day. Shame on you! The universe is punishing you for those egg farts.

24th. Life can be a breeze. Why you insist on blasting those horrific hurricane force farts, has the universe and most of Los Angeles still scratching their butts.

25th. You enjoy great literature, art, and a good fart. One out of three ain’t bad.

26th. A load of manure will be delivered to your house today. Try not to eat it all at one sitting.

27th. Is there no protection from your ass? The headlines in the paper today will say it all. “Asshole Blasts New Hole in Ozone”. Your methane farts are getting us baked.

28th. You are in control of your destiny. If life hands you lemons, make lemonade. If life hands you an asshole, put a cork in it.

29th. You and your neighbors can live in harmony. Fart more together.

30th. Life is a groove, or it will be when you get your ass sewn shut.

31st. The one that got away? Don’t panic. You haven’t lost your fart, it’s right under your nose.

Capricorn - July 2009

1st. Motivation is your middle name, Farty Pants is your first though, might want to work on getting that changed.

2nd. Today is a good day to start that new career. You are a workaholic, also a fartoholic. Maybe you could do standup. Hi my name is Craig Hynd, I’m a Fartoholic.

3rd. You always finish what you start. Your parade of fart bubbles doesn’t stop until the bath water is the color of your dirty fingernails.

4th. Perseverance and perfection, words to describe the goals you’ve set forth to hone your farting skills. No one is safe.

5th. You’ve always stood by your belief, a fart is a terrible thing to waste. Your friends might agree with the first part, a fart is a terrible thing, especially yours!

6th. Your sign suggests you are kind. Well your friends are too, they want you to take the week off, and kindly stop farting.

7th. No one is more romantic than you. No one. But sticking an Orchard Fresh Cinnamon Butt Filter up your resonator is not your wife’s idea of magic in the bedroom.

8th. A day to drop the phony sophistication bit, trade in those silk boxers for polyester and get back to farting through synthetics like the rest of the planet.

9th. Your brilliant ideas will not go unnoticed, just like your farts.

10th. Today your dreams become reality when they finally break ground for the fart museum across the street.

11th. Less is more. Your stink goes a long way. Why kill em, when you can drag it out all day?

12th. Fast food, fast farts, it’s your lifestyle. Like it or leave it, it’s cheap… like your taste in women.

13th. You have big travel plans. Time to get off your ass and give a flying stink!!!

14th. Bingo tonight. It’s the hottest ticket in town. Bring your ass on down and give them something to really shout about.

15th. Can’t take the heat, get off the toilet.

16th. Take a cruise to the Caribbean. With your ass on the high seas, back in town we stand a chance to suck in some fresh air.

17th. Are you just back from a tropical holiday, or does your ass just naturally foam at the sphincter?

18th. Can you say fart. Of course you can. Now stop it.

19th. You will receive a huge present. Well maybe not a present. Your neighbor is sending over a big fart.

20th. Have you considered becoming part of the space mission? With your ass, the country could save a fortune on rocket fuel.

21st. Today on your morning commute when you hang your head out the window to puke, try moving a little to the right, the guys in the back seat, while they appreciate the pork chunks, the smell on their clothes catches up with their fellow employees, puts them in a foul mood.

22nd. Try eating more fruit, and less meat, you won’t fart as much and maybe you could get an extra day out of your underpants.

23rd. Today you will find a new girlfriend. Or should we say she will find you. Too bad she finds you because of your farts. Okay that’s not going to work.

24th. If you forget to put a wiener on your hotdog bun, when you fart, you’ll really cut the mustard.

25th. It’s the reading of your grandfathers will. You stand to inherit a large sum of money, whoops you should have stayed sitting down. Your fart disintegrated the document.

26th. Your ass struck gold. A Hollywood studio wants to pay you for your farts.

27th. You finally get on the same page as your girlfriend, did you really have to fart on her book?

28th. Told you to diet. The circus is in town, one of their elephants is sick, they want to rent your ass.

29th. You just won free bowling lessons. It’s actually a gift from your wife. She wants you to learn to crap “in” the toilet.

30th. Where in the hell did you say you were from? Sulphur Butt City?

31st . You can’t take them with you, fart em’ if you got em’.

Pisces - July 2009

1st. If it feels like Neptune is piercing your butt with his spear, it might be time to buy a new chair.

2nd. Can’t see the forest for the trees? Time to dig out those old MP3’s of the dog farts of summer. There is nothing on this planet more inspiring than listening to a few of man’s best friends’ blasts from the past.

3rd. Your stars are aligned, and so are your farts. It’s your special day to make a big stink. Get yourself noticed.

4th. You are as unpredictable as your farts. Savor every moment you spend with each fart, celebrate its uniqueness.

5th. You are very sensitive. We know that from the way you fart, and your tears are a real give away.

6th. You are always sympathetic to others. When they can’t fart you make up for them. Maybe, it is time they found their own voice, let their farts speak for themselves, when they are good and ready.

7th. Love is always in the air around you. Or is it your farts? Let’s not get confused.

8th. You appreciate a visit from a friend. Might be good time to open a few windows and air the place out first.

9th. You are perceived to be trustworthy. Stop blaming everyone else for your farts.

10th. Your emotional spirit is broken when a fart goes sour and turns to goop.

11th. If you could paint a picture for every fart you drop today, every museum in the world could fill a gallery, and probably would, especially in England with dozens of your oily discharge balloons.

12th. Your creative juices are flowing, unfortunately so is that garlic slimy oil slick in your anus. Put a lid on it today and hold off enlightening us until tomorrow.

13th. Your vivid imagination can save the world. Eating jars of pickled eggs will not stop bird flu, but your farts will.

14th. In a past life you were a pig in a barn. That is where you learned your farting craft, and how to curl your little tail when you “want make whoopee”.

15th. Time is fast approaching, but not as fast as your farts. Slow down, savor today what you could be missing tomorrow.

16th. When taking your dog for a walk, and farting where he pees, don’t be surprised if at home he pees where you fart.

17th. Your Mother always said, an apple a day keeps the doctor away, but what she didn’t tell was that a rotten apple makes better farts.

18th. If you live life by the rules, you’ll never fart outside the box.

19th. Change all your light bulbs to colored bulbs, and your farts will become festive.

20th. It is not unreasonable to vocally rate your next fart before it becomes airborne. For some it is a warning, to duck and run, for others an opportunity to judge your ability to estimate.

21st. Try flashing your tits the next time you fart. Ying with the yang.

22nd. It’s better to toot and bear the shame then not to toot and have all that stink inside of you.

23rd. The last time you had farts like this, your neighbors moved away.

24th. Your Mother-in-Law is coming, time to stock up on stink beans.

25th. Your stand up routine sucks. The universe offers this advice. Just eat beans and fart after each joke, and you could end up on Late-Night.

26th. You might want to stop farting in bed. Your polyester sheets could catch on fire.

27th. Eating fart bubbles in the bathtub is the leading cause of halitosis in America.

28th. A little morning jog could “exorcise” those farts out before your long commute.

29th .How long has it been since a complete stranger has come up to you and asked you to stop farting? Two minutes? Could be time to move to St. Louis.

30th. You were given two sides to your ass, because if you only had one you would sit funny.

31st. Your co-workers are really bogged down by your swamp farts.

Aries - July 2009

1st You are a natural born leader, your farts follow you everywhere.

2nd. It is in your nature to be independent. But he who farts alone is missing out on the best part…the reaction.

3rd. You are decisive, once you decide to fart you rarely put your engine in reverse.

4th. You never show your weaknesses, many wish you wouldn’t show your strong smelling points either.

5th. You will accept any challenge, always the first to volunteer. Hey maybe just once sit your ass down and let someone else fart first huh?

6th. Patience my friend, don’t fart the first one that comes along, let them build into something worth farting for.

7th. You always need to be right and first. You fly into a rage too easily. Time to dye that red hair black. Mellow down. Give some other angry young dude the chance to get it out of his pants first.

8th. Your wild-side is showing, put a skirt on.

9th. Controlling? You? I guess. Take off your guests handcuffs. Hey if they don’t want to sit around and sniff your farts at the table, their loss right?

10th. Be adventurous, eat more worldly. You’ll be surprised at what a good curry can do to enhance a bland dieter’s farts.

11th. Mr. Excitement, you live on the edge of your butt. Sit back, spread your cheeks and you may whistle Dixie in a whole new key.

12th. A pail of farts awaits you at the end of the rainbow.

13th. Nothing like a game of mile-high night farts to keep your red eye neighbor in line.

14th. If cowboys farted bare butt, our heroes would be Greek sandwiches.

15th. To dream of flying is a sign of farting in bed.

16th. Antibiotic farts have a way of saying it without words.

17th. In this month when spring arrives, we are reminded that the sweet smells of the season, are not necessarily from just under the snow.

18th. Grasp the ring! Seize the opportunity! Fart if ya got em!

19th. You are just getting better. Consider selling your farts as a skunk deterrent.

20th. You may be losing your looks, but your farts still got it.

21st. You deserve a spanking. The parting of your red cheeks releases a plague of toxic rank to rival biblical proportions.

22nd. Constipated? Fart softly and carry a big stick. Last night’s broccoli, might get the shit kicked out of you.

23rd. No words can describe the sonic hysteria your keister balloons will shatter on an unsuspecting world. Let them hear what you’re working with.

24th. Your garlic farts are not what Reverend Jimmy had in mind when he said turn the other cheek.

25th. Wherever you go…there you fart.

26th. Don’t blurt em’ all out before noon. Today you are going to need your second wind.

27th. Today will be special. Smart move eating those dung beetles.

28th. If opposites attract, with all your ugly deep dish pizza farts, today might be the day you’ll meet that beautiful special someone.

29th. Mercury is in retrograde, but that won’t matter after the bomb you drop today, you’ll be in your own universe.

30th. The journey of a lifetime awaits you. Now get a fresh roll of toilet paper, and let’s see if we can dump out those wretched nachos from last night.

31st. Fall is definitely in the air…or have you been eating Octoberfest sauerkraut again?